The Janitor's
(at tht Serendip Pub)
Bees
Ya know how sometimes you have one of them really great days? So great that you got to tell someone about it? Well the other day was one of them greatest days for me.
I’m just the old janitor over at the Serendip, a virtual pub for writers and characters. I ain’t no writing type, like the folks who hang out upstairs. I just tend to the place and spend my in-between time down in the cellar with my pals the bats.
The Serendip Pub is smack dab in the center of this fantasy and science fiction village named Serendip*ity. My really great day got started cause of one of them other businesses.
The neighbor lady was doin some landscaping for her new establishment place, the Merry Sweet & Jerk Soda Shoppe. Amber is the proprietor’s name. She hired this guy with one of them bobcat rigs to haul rock down between our buildings. You know the things. Four big wheels, two on each side with big knobby tires, roll cage and a big scooper on the front? Well I was standing there, drooling over thoughts about driving that bobcat. But I knew there weren’t much chance of that.
Then my best day started. There was this big old limb from an oak tree on the ground, blown down from a storm a few years back. Well, seems that this family of wasps had been using that dead wood as a home for awhile. When that bobcat tire gave the rotten limb a shove, them wasps came a flyin out to tell us about their displeasure.
The driver leapt out of his rig and ran up to the road. He kept on goin for quite a ways, nearly to Grynewand the local wizard’s place. Turns out the driver’s allergic to bee stings and don't even have one of them anorexic medical thingamabobs that he needed to keep from getting really sick if he got stung.
Now all the other shop owners had heard the commotion. They came out to watch but stood way back. They figured it was going to be awhile before them wasps headed for home and the bobcat driver weren’t going back in there. No way. The shop owners decided that someone, who weren’t allergic to wasps, needed to drive the rig out of the brush.
I figure a line for the volunteers would fill up fast, so I ran to where I thought it was gonna form. Judged wrong. They all stood lined up where they were, so I called, “First-ies.” No one argued. They all agreed that if I wanted to do it, then it was okay with alla them.
The rig driver walked back down the road and got a bit closer. He hollered instructions to me. I headed for the rig, not worrying about no puny family of wasps. I slipped right into the cab with no problem at all. The driver hollered to me again. He said I had to pull this safety bar thing down, kinda like a metal arm across your lap at the amusement park. Then he tells me to look up at the overhead display! Yep, a real overhead display, just like one in a science fiction movie. Up in front of the roll cage bar was all kinds of lights and switches and dials and stuff. He hollered at me to turn the green key. I did that and the rig was purring like a cat. He told me to look for the long red lever with the red plastic handle. I hollered back that I had it. He told me to shove the lever forward to power up.
That baby was a roaring. I was all set, so he told me to move the control sticks with a gentle touch. They're big round levers with green plastic grips—one on each side of the seat. Ya shove em forward to go ahead, and back is back. You can shove one forward and pull one all the way back to spin a 360 right there on the spot. So cool! But he says that I can’t do it there or she'll tip over, because the rig was pointing downhill.
I eased back on the control arms and she started inching backwards up the hill. Them wasps got jealous or curious or something and wanted to get in the cab with me. I figured this babe of a machine was mine for now, and slammed them control arms all the way back. Man, you should have seen me climb that hill. And I only hit one tree.
After I ran the rig back up on the road, I got her stopped, shut her down and jumped out of the cab. All the neighbors come crowding over to talk with me. The rig driver was even shaking my hand, because he was so glad he didn't get no stings. Everybody thought it was over, but the fun had only started.
Amber came out of her shop with one of them cans of wasp spray. Says right on the can that it kills wasps from up to 30 feet away. Some of the store owners didn’t think this was too good an idea. Well, I started thinking about that saying. You know the one. Someone can be too smart for their own good. I overheard more than a few folks say that it meant that bein too smart can get you into trouble. I also heard some folks say that I wasn't too smart. So I figured that by not being overly smart, it would make me safe for the rest of this adventure. I was right. Kind of.
I used my best stealth to get close to them wasps and their nest. The can said 30 feet, so I figured I was pretty safe. I took careful aim and pressed the button. Instead of a long, straight, lethal jet of wasp stuff, the can just squirted out in a four foot dribble.
Well, it still weren’t no problem, cause I had feet. I just moved in closer for the kill. I started dousing that nest, and them wasps were droppin like flies; just the normal kind though, not like horseflies or nothing. Sure, there were a few of them flyin, but not enough to matter much. I figured that my adventure was about done, but was wrong again.
I was worried about doin a quality job (the other shop keepers were watching after all). I picked up this big stick and poked around that log just a bit. One good hard poke, and I hit the mother load. Wasps came flyin out from everywhere.
I went runnin back toward where the shop keepers were standing. I must of spooked em, because they took off runnin way out in front of me. I got to where they'd all been watching from and took a look back. Well them wasps had followed me. The shop keepers were all shoutin somethin to me, but I only got so much brain processing power. It was all occupied at the time with working my muscles and stuff. I didn’t have enough spare capacity to catch their words.
You should have seen me. Arms swinging, carving figures in the air. Head ducking dive-bombers from above. One hand sweepin em off my clothes, and the other swatting em out of the air. I was a one-man wasp killing machine. Then two of them went on a suicide mission and flew in through the arm of my t-shirt. One nailed me in the armpit, but I slammed my elbow to my side and got him. A later examination showed that I smothered one of em in the gel of my underarm deodorant. The other one was asphyxiated by good old janitor pit.
Well, back to the battle. I think they were considering giving up. One more wasp played dirty and came in from behind. He stung me on the back of my neck. Two more snuck in from below, under my t-shirt, and landed above my belt. They managed to get in two good stings. Other than that, I was doin great. My arms were flailing away on auto pilot by then, so I had some spare mental processing capability. I turned it to what the shop keepers were still shoutin.
The first word I got was "Run." They were all yelling the same thing except for Amber who was yellin, “Swarm!" I looked up and whoa.... There was a cloud of hornets, closing in on me fast. I figured it was time to get dang burn outa there and I ran for the Serendip.
I got inside just ahead of that swarm. Two smuggled their way in and gave me stings on my wrist before the curse of the janitor’s hand smashed em flat. Two more came from somewhere else and got me on the back.
Just to be safe, I pulled off my shirt and threw it out the door, then looked out the window to assess the situation. The shop keepers were way, way, way back now and starting to reform their little observation group. I figured them wasps knew me personally by now, so I put on a different colored shirt and my Indiana Jones hat. Couldn't find them plastic eye glasses with the nose and moustache, but figured my disguise was good enough to fool wasps. My pals the bats had come up from the cellar and were hangin on a pipe and starin at me. I told ‘em it was a wasp disguise. They gave me that reassuring look of approval they always give. Together, they rolled their eyes at me, which is their special signal that they know I have a plan.
I ducked back outside and went runnin toward the shop keepers so's they could give me a pat on the back for being a hero and stuff. And I wanted to see if that rig driver would let me have another turn on the bobcat. I had to pass by the nest to get to the crowd of onlookers. I wasn’t even close to where they were standin when they all started running away again. I took a look back over my shoulder. Dang! I should have searched for them glasses and moustache. Them wasps weren't fooled by my disguise and were after me again.
I went running back for the Pub. Some fool (me) had tripped the lock on the way out. Most places got two doors and so does the Serendip. They're kina far apart. One’s in the back and the other is way around to the front. Well I made it, with only letting three more of em sting me before I was safe.
That night, the bats rolled their eyes again, cause I dressed up like a ninja, all in black. I went out after dark and sprayed that nest good.
When my night mission was over, I headed for the cellar and my little cot behind the furnace. My pals the bats didn’t say nothin to me when I slid into bed. They don’t really talk, anyway. But they do communicate with me and are real good at letting me enjoy these little moments of glory in private. As I fell asleep, I couldn’t help but think, what a good day it had been. Ain’t had so much fun in years.